The Children Who Control Their Parents…


“‘I can’t believe you let them control you like that.’ They were the last words my mum said to me before I walked out last week.”

My new client, Emma, continued to tell her story.  “I was so angry with her, how dare she say those things to me, I’m doing my best.  It’s not easy bringing up the girls on my own.  My ex-husband wasn’t really around much when we were together, and now I have a pre-teen and a teenage daughter to deal with on my own.  I know I let them get away with some things and I know I don’t handle their tantrums well.”

Emma stared directly at me with tears streaming down her face.  “She was right, wasn’t she?  They do control me.”

These kinds of conversations are not uncommon.  As an NLP therapist in Berkshire, I work with many parents who, predominantly due to a significant change at home or when dealing with their own life challenges, feel they have lost control and are in fact being controlled by their children.

Emma felt this change had begun after the split from her husband.  She went on to tell me how some of her deepest fears were coming true; a sense of helplessness, rejection, lack of control and a loss of love.

Once Emma had highlighted these fears and the impact they were having, she was able to move from a position of powerlessness to one of empowerment.  By taking responsibility for situations (even those we didn’t choose) it empowers us, giving us the ability to take action and make a change.

As we worked together Emma went on to identify that she felt guilty for the break-up of the family home and had been so desperate to make her children happy, that she had been much more lenient than before.  She believed she was helping the girls by removing some of the ‘rules’ they had in place, allowing them to do whatever they wanted.

Does this story ring true for you?  Maybe you’ve seen first-hand what can happen when a parent/parents find it difficult to cope and the children begin to take control?  Do you know someone who also feels as though they are losing control at home?

One of the first things Emma and I looked at together was the concept of human needs and their impact on our behaviour.  NLP utilises the work of Tony Robbins,  ‘6 human needs’ (who adapted them from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, discussed in his paper ‘A Theory of Human Motivation’ back in 1943).

These 6 needs are: Connection, Certainty, Variety, Significance, Growth & Contribution (the latter 2 being met by meeting the first four).

The human needs are one of the key driving forces behind our actions, we’re ultimately looking to keep our needs in balance ensuring we grow and contribute to society.  When any of these needs are out of whack, we may employ out-of-character actions to help us meet our needs and regain the balance.

Emma and I focused on the two needs that were impacted most by her current situation:

Certainty (Comfort)
Feeling in control leads to a level of certainty and comfort.  Humans (especially children) like to understand what’s going on.  We seek comfort in routine behaviours and patterns.  It’s why we can find change so difficult to cope with.  When we have been through a significant change in our life our levels of certainty can plummet.
From mum’s point of view, her own levels of certainty were in question.  She had now become a full-time single mum, juggling work, her children and many jobs that had previously been shared.
From the girls’ point of view, the certainty of their family unit had been taken away.  Their daily schedules had gone into disarray as mum learned to balance the new activities.  Although Emma thought she was helping her girls by giving them more freedom, what they were actually looking for was the certainty their previous routine had given them.  They were desperately in need of clear and consistent boundaries.

Love & Connection
The need for love and connection takes us outside of ourselves, to belong to something more.  Our first sense of connection is within our family unit.  Later this need is enriched by friendship groups, clubs and work colleagues.
In this instance Emma had lost a pivotal connection when her marriage broke down and she was questioning her ability to build successful relationships.  In turn, as she was dealing with these feelings, she wasn’t able to nurture the connections she did have.  Their natural bond was being challenged as Emma adjusted to her new role.
The girls could sense Emma withdrawing and were doing as many actions as possible to gain her attention and ‘force’ her to get back in charge.  This was especially important at a time when their need for connection was at its highest.

So, what did Emma change to regain her role as a parent, to meet her own needs and those of her girls?

1.  She reintroduced the use of boundaries.  She worked out what her expectations were of the girls, what she expected them to do and where they had choices.  She was clear about what she considered acceptable behaviour and what wasn’t.  They worked together to agree rewards and consequences.  This included the girls setting a couple of ‘parenting boundaries’ for mum 🙂

2.  They also worked together to create a family plan, to reintroduce daily structure within their new circumstances and find a way all of them were able to feel in control of their day-to-day activities.  The activity itself was a great act of teamwork and they have gone on to pull together as a team to implement it.

The girls commented, “It’s great to have mum back, we know where we stand and what we need to do.  Of course we were going to push the boundaries when they weren’t clear, we are kids after all”.

3.  All this team work also helped with their sense of connection.  In addition, Emma made sure she spent some quality time with the girls, together and separately.  Quality time to do fun activities together, which included football, tea and cake at the local cafe, nail painting and chatting.  The key to these times together was no technology and no multi-tasking, just simple together time, learning about each other and having fun.

Emma couldn’t believe the difference in her girls.  When I saw her a few weeks later she was so proud of the changes they’d made together.

“I was so nervous about telling the girls what I wanted to happen and how I wanted them to behave.  I felt this was the last thing they needed.  It was, however, the one thing they were crying out for.  My lack of control led them to believe they needed to control the situation.  Something no child should have to do.”

By Debbie Kinghorn
www.NLP4Kids.org/Debbie-Kinghorn

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5 comments on “The Children Who Control Their Parents…

  1. Ruth Johnson on said:

    Your article works really well for the reader as it is based on a story that is engaging and has universal appeal. Most people have had the sensation of feeling out of control at some point or another.

    Whilst you are not being direct in your advice to the reader, it is clear from your conversations with Emma, the steps that one needs to take to begin to change their situation.

    For the sake of clarity, I think you may want to reword “NLP utilises the work of Tony Robbins, ‘6 human needs’” as I am unsure whether this is factually true. Upon reading more into TR’s relationship with NLP, it appears that Tony Robbins uses NLP (having trained with John Ginder) rather than the other way around. Perhaps you have come across the work of TR as a result of your relationship with NLP? Even so, referencing what you are saying is always better to do than not do, to add credibility to your work.

    The methods for improvement you have suggested are sound and contain both attitudinal shifts and practical tips. To define a greater link to NLP, you could have included details of an NLP process.

    Well done on remembering to include the details of your location in the body of your article and the word ‘control’ features several times which will help with your SEO.

    I particularly like that you have summarised the article with the sentence highlighting that no child should have to be the one in control (of their family circumstances) as I think that is a polite reminder to parents that whilst they may be concerned about upsetting their children, their ultimate job is to be strong for them.

  2. Claire Sharp on said:

    I really enjoyed this article – a heartwarming and engaging story line linked with clear processes that helped the family move forward…

  3. Great Article Debbie! Again great advice! I have just been through a similar situation as Emma and it was actually something Tony Robbins said on his recent documentary that made me wake up! I am now setting strong boundaries, giving my daughter responsibilities and following all your advice and tips you have given me, I follow your work regularly and a massive fan! Thank you! Yes one massive realisation I had was I need to be strong for my daughter <3

  4. Christine Skinner on said:

    What an excellent article. Sound advice for any parent left with the responsibility of bringing their children up alone.

  5. Tina Purcell on said:

    A very well written article on a subject I know many people associate with. Your advice is, as always, extremely sound and invaluable for any partent bringing their children up without the support of a partner. I have forwarded the article on to a number of friends who I believe would be interested.