There’s a parenting trend creeping in that we need to talk about – one that’s shaping how boys think about boundaries, respect, and manhood.

More and more, I’m seeing boys in therapy who speak without filter – sexist, racist, offensive “banter” – and what’s shocking isn’t just what they say. It’s that they say it in front of their dads. And worse still, the dads defend it.

When Dads Try to Be Mates

Let’s be clear. Boys have always tested boundaries. But what’s new is that some no longer see the boundaries at all – especially when Dad is modelling himself as a mate, not a parent.

In one recent session, a boy made an appallingly inappropriate comment in front of both parents. Historically, this kind of language was reserved for behind Mum’s back. Dad’s presence used to command a level of respect. But not this time. Not anymore.

When I raised it, Dad shrugged. “It’s just banter,” he said. Mum later explained that the two of them have a “matey” relationship.

🧠 “If you act like their mate, don’t expect them to treat you like their parent.”

Why ‘Banter’ Isn’t Harmless

Here’s the issue: boys at 11, 12, or 13 don’t have the emotional intelligence or moral discernment to tell the difference between what’s “just a joke” and what’s deeply harmful. They don’t understand the nuance between ironic racism and actual bigotry. They can’t parse out what’s exaggerated, performative, or socially dangerous.

So what do they do? They repeat it. At school. In public. Online. And eventually, they believe it.

And let’s be honest – why are grown men saying this stuff around kids anyway? Your words are bricks in the house your child is building. What do you want that house to stand for?

This isn’t about policing language. It’s about restoring leadership. If a child feels they’re on equal footing with their father – not as a learner, but as an equal in humour, values and voice – they’ll expect to be treated like a peer. So when you tell them to do their homework, tidy their room, or apologise to their sibling, they won’t comply. Why would they? You handed them the power.

“Children who mimic adult disrespect aren’t failing to listen – they’re listening too closely.”

The Danger of Displaced Hierarchies

One parent said to me: “If my son listened to me, we wouldn’t have any behaviour problems.” But that’s just it. Your son is listening. He’s listening to the way you speak. He’s absorbing the “jokes.” He’s tracking how you laugh off what should be challenged. And then he pushes it further, because that’s what kids do.

In therapy, I see the aftermath – boys who think they’re little men, whose compass for kindness, maturity and discipline is completely skewed. They aren’t emotionally equipped for the power they’ve been handed. And it shows.

So here’s the challenge – especially if you’re a practitioner in our coaching franchise working with families like this:

✅ Don’t tolerate hate masquerading as humour
✅ Reinforce the boundary between adult and child
✅ Remind dads (and sometimes mums too) that friendship isn’t the goal – leadership is

These conversations matter. This work matters. And if you’re already in our coaching franchise, you’ll know that we equip you with the tools to gently rewire these family dynamics and help boys become respectful, emotionally intelligent young men.

Because boys don’t need adult teenagers for role models. They need men who model respect, discipline and decency. That’s how we shape the next generation – one conversation at a time.

by Gemma Bailey (with the help of Ai)

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