Every parent believes they know how to have a serious chat with their child.

But here’s the problem: most “serious chats” aren’t actually serious at all. They’re squeezed in while loading the dishwasher, whispered in the car on the school run, or muttered across the breakfast table while buttering toast. The words might sound right, but the impact is lost.

Why Most Serious Chats Don’t Work

A serious chat is not about the words alone – it’s about the weight behind them. If you’re simultaneously sorting pants or glancing at your phone, the message your child takes away is about your distractions, not your words.

If you want your child to take you seriously, you need to take the conversation seriously too.

This means treating it like an appointment. Think about your own adult life: when something important needs to be addressed, it’s scheduled. You don’t have your performance review while your boss answers emails. You sit down, you’re present, and the space is set. Children deserve the same level of respect.

How to Structure a Serious Chat That Sticks

The first step is preparation. Tell your child: “On Wednesday after school, we’re going to have a serious chat.” Don’t have it at home where the normal routines dilute the message. Instead, take them somewhere unfamiliar but neutral – a coffee shop they don’t usually go to, for example. This slight change in setting raises their alertness without intimidating them.

Leave siblings and grandparents behind. This moment is about them. Make notes on your phone if needed, so you don’t lose track of the key points. Begin with small talk – ask about their day, share a little about your own – and then calmly shift gears: “Here’s what I really want to talk to you about today.”

From there, use the phrase: “I’ve noticed…” This frames the behaviour in a non-judgemental way. Then link their age to an expectation: “You are nine years old, and soon you’ll be nine and a half. That behaviour isn’t acceptable for someone of nine and a half. Here’s what I expect instead.” Notice how the focus is on what you do want, not what you don’t.

Children rise to meet expectations when those expectations are clear, respectful, and delivered with weight.

Turning a Talk into an Agreement

Next, ask them: “What might hold you back from becoming the responsible, mature nine-and-a-half-year-old who can do what I’m asking?” Listen. Collaborate on their objections. This isn’t a debate – it’s problem solving together.

Finally, close the chat like a professional meeting. Shake hands. Explain that this means both sides are agreeing to do their part. Write down the agreement, sign it, and ask them to sign it too. Keep a copy each. This small but symbolic act gives the chat gravitas, while also showing your child that their opinion and responsibility matter.

The simple act of treating your child like an adult in these moments makes them feel valued, respected, and heard – and that changes everything.

Raising Standards – For Them and For You

Here’s the secret benefit: this process doesn’t just raise the standard for your child, it raises the standard for you. At work, you wouldn’t lose your temper when a colleague behaved badly – you’d handle it like a professional. So why not model that at home?

This method not only reduces conflict but builds maturity, accountability, and trust in your child. It shows them that being taken seriously comes with responsibility – and that responsibility is something they can live up to.

It’s also the same principle we instil in our NLP4Kids coaching franchise. Whether working with parents, teachers, or children directly, our practitioners use structured, respectful strategies that change behaviour by raising standards in both the adult and the child. It’s this blend of psychology, structure, and accountability that makes the difference – and it’s why our coaching franchise continues to transform families.

by Gemma Bailey (with the help of Ai)

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