Have you ever told your child to “just be more confident”?

I overheard a mum saying exactly that in a coffee shop recently. Her daughter was explaining how nervous she felt about raising her hand in class, and the mum replied, with total good intention: “You just need to be more confident.”
Now, before we judge, I want to say — I admire this parent. She took her child out, listened to her worries and gave her attention. But those six words might’ve quietly made things worse. Here’s why.

1. The Hidden Message Behind ‘You Just Need To…’

When you tell someone, “You just need to…”, what they actually hear is “You’re not enough yet.”
It shines a spotlight on what’s missing instead of what’s possible. And for a child who’s already anxious, that can sound like criticism dressed as advice. The brain goes straight into defence mode, shutting down the very curiosity and courage you’re trying to encourage.

💡 Neuroscience backs this up: when a person feels criticised, the brain activates the amygdala — the part responsible for fear and threat detection — rather than the prefrontal cortex, which handles reasoning and confidence. So, before your words can even land helpfully, their biology is working against you.

“Confidence doesn’t appear because we tell someone to have it — it grows because we show them how to build it.”

2. How To Talk About Confidence Without Crushing It

Instead of saying “be more confident,” help your child define what confidence looks like. Ask questions like:
“What does confidence sound like?”
“How do confident people sit, walk, talk or breathe?”

Together, make a list. You’re not telling them who to be, you’re helping them see the traits they admire. It’s like decoding the ingredients of confidence before you start baking the cake.

From there, you can talk about the recipe — the small steps, practiced often, that bring those ingredients to life.

3. The Classroom Confidence Spiral

I worked with a young boy once who spoke in a quiet, high-pitched voice. Even when he felt sure of himself, his tone gave others the impression he wasn’t. In the school “hierarchy,” this landed him right at the bottom of the pecking order. Each time he was ignored, it reinforced the belief that his ideas didn’t matter.
We worked on one simple change: speaking a little louder and lower. That single adjustment began to rewire how others saw him — and more importantly, how he saw himself.

Sometimes, it takes just one tiny behavioural tweak to start a child’s confidence revolution.

4. Turning Confidence Into a Family Project

Confidence isn’t a switch to flick. It’s a skill to nurture, brick by brick.
Imagine making it your shared project: once a week, sit down over a hot chocolate and talk about which “confidence ingredient” to practice next. Review what worked, laugh at the bits that didn’t, and remind them that growth is messy — but magical.

Soon, their attention shifts from what’s missing to what’s forming. You stop firefighting fear, and start cultivating courage.

This is what we teach through the NLP4Kids coaching franchise. We give parents, teachers, and therapists the tools to guide children through real, evidence-based strategies that build resilience and self-belief — not just clichés. If you’ve ever wanted to help more children master confidence from the inside out, our coaching franchise training shows you how.

Because raising confident kids isn’t just good parenting, it’s world-changing work.

by Gemma Bailey (with the help of Ai)

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