Some stories stay with me long after the consultation ends. This one did – not just because of the grief involved, but because of how quickly a parent’s pain can become a child’s burden.

It began when a mum and dad brought their teenage daughter to see me. They said she’d been really low since her grandmother had passed away. But as the consultation unfolded, it became clear the grief she was carrying wasn’t entirely her own.

When Parents Offload Too Much

During our meeting, the mum became tearful – which is always a red flag. It often means the child isn’t only managing their own emotions, but is also carrying the weight of their parent’s feelings. And in this case, that was exactly what had happened.

Children don’t just inherit genetics – they can inherit our grief if we’re not careful.

When I spoke to the girl alone, she explained that she hadn’t been there at her Nan’s final moments. But her mum had come home and, in a desperate attempt to unburden herself, described in graphic detail the physical decline she had witnessed. She’d even said something so horrifying that it lodged in her daughter’s imagination and began to grow like a toxic weed.

The Burden a Child Should Never Carry

The daughter and her Nan had been very close. But her relationship with her mum was already strained. Hearing those vivid, undignified details didn’t just traumatise her – it created anger and distance between her and her mum. Instead of being allowed to grieve in her own way, she was left with grotesque mental images that haunted her.

The mum hadn’t meant to harm her daughter, of course. She was simply trying to release her own pain. But in doing so, she unknowingly passed it directly onto her child.

This is why we must be so careful about what we share with children during moments of our own overwhelm. Sometimes, in trying to lighten our own load, we end up doubling theirs.

When Parents Become “Best Friends”

I had to have a difficult conversation with the mum. Her daughter couldn’t be her best friend. She couldn’t be the one to carry her grief, no matter how close they felt. Parents need to process their pain with adults – not through the ears of a child.

This is precisely where NLP4Parents and NLP4Teachers training comes in. Parents and educators often miss the unconscious ways they’re shaping memories and emotions in children. What they think is “sharing” or “being honest” can actually create trauma that the child wasn’t equipped to handle.

And here’s the thing: when you address these unconscious mistakes, the change isn’t just in the child – it’s in the whole family dynamic.

Why Training Matters – For Everyone

At NLP4Kids, our practitioners see this pattern time and again. A parent or teacher believes a child’s behaviour is purely about “attitude” or “grief,” but beneath the surface, the real issue is an unhealthy emotional hand-me-down.

This is why our work is so vital – and why our coaching franchise exists. It gives practitioners the tools to help families break these cycles. It teaches parents how to communicate without damaging, how to support without overloading, and how to guide children through life’s hardest moments without leaving scars.

For this teenage girl, the turning point wasn’t just processing her Nan’s death. It was learning that the horrifying images she carried weren’t hers to begin with – they belonged to her mother’s grief. That distinction freed her to heal.

by Gemma Bailey (with the help of Ai)

Becoming a Licensee